The Stigma of Stepfamilies

As a new stepmother, I often find myself overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that come with being a parent. The learning curve is huge for someone who has never been married, does not have children of their own, and is an only child. Imagine the shock of being a single thirty-something woman who is now living with three grown men. However, the hardest thing I have found about being a stepmother is dealing with other people and their assumptions about your life.

What words come to mind when you hear the word "stepmother"? Wicked? Evil? Do you automatically think of Cinderella and her evil stepmother? Truthfully, I never thought about these perceptions until I was actually about to marry a man with children. While I am by no means perfect, I certainly don't think my stepkids would describe me as wicked (here's hoping).

Because I'm the stepparent, society seems to think that I should automatically hate my husbands ex-wife. I've been asked, "How bad is the ex? She must be a real B****." and, "How do you put up with all that crap"? Now, I won't lie. It has taken a little bit of time for me to get used to having a third party involved in all our decisions, but the reality is that the ex is a good mom. She's an active parent who knows their teachers, attends their sporting events, always knows how they're doing in school, and provides a very structured lifestyle for her children. These are all attributes this somewhat OCD stepparent appreciates! And when we are struggling to see eye to eye, I can stop myself and see how the kids are the ones who will suffer if we can't get along. That alone cures a lot of issues because I love my stepkids and want nothing but the best for them.

Which brings me to the other reocurring question, "Do you get along with your stepkids"? My stepkids are amazing young men. They have two very different personalities, but I love seeing how similar they are to their dad. They have his good looks, sense of humor, and are so so smart. I've been reading parenting books and billions of mommy blogs and feel so lucky that I don't encounter even a tenth of the horror stories of bad stepparent/child relationships. We do not argue and I can only think of one time the kids have argued with their dad in the past four years. They don't treat me like the horrible stranger that stole their dad away. They genuinely want their dad to be happy. They don't play heinous pranks on me or use that dreadful phrase, "You're not my real mom" (I shutter every time I read that statement somewhere). I attribute our peaceful relationship to their parents and how they have created an amicable relationship despite a painful divorce.

I think for the most part, we all get a long. I have definitely struggled finding my place in this already established family. There are inside jokes I don't understand and things men do, well.... because their men, that puzzle me. I'm still constantly surprised by how much food my stepkids consume (i.e. 4 1/2 gallons of milk and six boxes of cereal in 2 weeks) which poses a shopping challenge each week. But when I really reflect on the past six months, I feel as though I'm pretty lucky. If you are a struggling stepmom, please find hope in knowing that it doesn't have to be that way and in time things do get better. Don't buy into the stigmas and negative assumptions. Dare to be better.